Along with the Kodiak bear, the polar bear is the largest land predator.  As we’ve seen in documentaries and at Hollywood award shows, polar bears are not handling global warming so well.  Polar bears typically have up to 4 inches of blubber for insulation, so they start to overheat when temperatures rise above 50F (10C).  Their insulation is so intense that they are basically invisible under infrared photography.

This fact has taught me two things.

1. Global warming isn’t killing polar bears.  Polar bear obesity is killing polar bears.  If they lost some weight they wouldn’t be so hot all the time.

2. Polar bears join my growing list of animals that would make perfect criminals.

This is true. There is an organization called VHEMT (the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement) that wants, well, the voluntary extinction of humans.  VHEMT’s motto is “May we live long and die out.”  To paraphrase their objective, their website states that they will have succeeded when every human chooses to stop breeding, and Earth’s biosphere returns to its former glory.  Basically, it’s a radical environmental group composed of people who think humans are ruining the world, thus should stop having babies.  On their website, they admit that their goals are pretty lofty, but feel that it can be realistic down the road.  This is the biggest waste of time ever.  Dude, it didn’t work when you tried to cancel prom after not getting a date. Or when you tried to ban college after not getting accepted.  Or when you tried to prohibit people from owning dogs after you found out you were allergic.  Or when you tried to ban exercising once you got fat.  Or when you tried to outlaw lottery tickets when you didn’t win.  Or when you tried to outlaw sex because you couldn’t get laid.  Oh wait…

I always hear people telling me that the melting of the polar ice caps will cause the oceans to rise.  This is false.  In order to float, an iceberg displaces a volume of water which weighs the same as the iceberg.  When an ice cube melts in your glass of water does it overflow?  No.  The melting of ice caps and the rising ocean levels are both results of the heating planet, however.  Water is the most dense at 4 degrees Celsius.  When the water temperature exceeds 4 degrees, it becomes less dense and expands, thus causing the water levels to rise.  While this fact does not make global warming any less frightening, it will allow you to shut up the whiny yuppie-hippie at Whole Foods.