In Medieval times, unicorns had strong connotations with virginity.

Some things never change.

Rene Descartes had a fetish for cross-eyed women.  He claimed the fetish stemmed from his childhood love being cross-eyed.

My childhood love wasn’t cross-eyed, which explains why I have a fetish for girls who aren’t cross-eyed.

Sternutation is a fancy word for sneezing.

Mastication is a fancy word for chewing.

Masturbation is a sin.

Until the seventeenth century, hysteria referred to a medical condition in females that was thought to be caused by disturbances of the uterus.  In Greek, hystera means “uterus.”

I think it still exists.

“The Diary of Anne Frank” has been banned in many school libraries for its “sexual content.”  Yeah, nothing gets people feeling “sexual” like reading “The Diary of Anne Frank.”

What a great way to further highlight the dangers of an oppressive government.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary was banned in some California elementary schools for its definition of “oral sex.” 

This is a great move by the school-board.   Obviously kids learn to have sex from reading the dictionary.  That’s definitely what we should be worrying about…. 

The idiomatic expression used to explain sex, “the birds and the bees,” is said to first appear in a Samuel Coleridge poem in 1825.  However, even earlier, Shakespeare mentions the copulating creatures in King Lear. 

Let me tell you something though; the way birds and bees have sex is neither pleasurable nor possible when dealing with humans. 

Trust me.

The jellyfish turritopsis nutricula has the ability to revert from a state of sexual maturity to the immature polyp stage.  It is the only known example of a creature capable of reaching sexual maturity then returning to being sexually immature.  Thus, this jellyfish has been deemed immortal.  However, it is impossible to estimate the age of a specimen because of this ability to cycle through life stages.

About every week, SmartestYear does a post that proves that I, too, can revert to sexual immaturity.

In the Hebrew Bible, the word “foot” was a well-attested euphemism for the male sexual organ.

Wow.  Impressive.

I’ve been reading a lot about sexual ethics, so forgive me if my past two posts have been in the same vein.  In early theories of how babies are made, semen was believed to carry a homunculus (Latin for “little human”).  This theory of preformationism was prevalent before we understood that both a man and woman are equally important in active procreation.  So, yeah, some philosophers and scientists actually believed semen contained a miniature, fully-formed human.  Once the homunculus was inside the woman, development was solely concerned with enlarging this miniature person.  How stupid is that!  Sounds so ridiculous.

But…if we would go back in time and tell them that semen really contained millions of tiny tadpole thingies… I think that would freak them out more.

“Tiny tadpole thingies” is the terminology they use in advanced college biology courses.  Trust me.

Herpetology is the study of reptiles, coming from the Greek herpeton, literally meaning “creeping thing.”  This is also where herpes comes from.  I mean the word.  The actual viral disease comes in a much more informal way. 

The most common birthday in the United States, according to anybirthday.com (which claims to have millions of birth records on file…?), is October 5th.  According to the same questionable website that told me about anybirthday.com, the average pregnancy lasts 274 days and cites October 5th as “about 274 days” after New Years Eve. From a quick investigation, I learned that October 5th is actually more like 277 days after New Years Eve.  This can mean one thing:  people who take surveys for anybirthday.com and people who record the average lengths of pregnancies are not on the same page… 

Or maybe, people like to go wild and have sex on January 3rd (actually 274 days).  Perhaps in celebration of January 3rd, 1962.  The day when Pope John XXIII excommunicated Fidel Castro.    Hot.

Symbolics, Inc., a computer manufacturing company, originally registered symbolics.com on March 15, 1985 making it the first .com-domain in the world.  Nowadays, Internet Filter Review estimates that 12% of websites are pornographic.  I don’t know if that’s true (I hope Internet Filter Review knows what they are talking about).  All I know is that I need a post that I could tag as “porn.”  You know, increase traffic.  Sex trafficking. 

The first condoms in Asia before the 15th century were glans condoms (more like a yarmulke, less like a hazmat suit).  In Japan, these were often made out of tortoise shell or animal horn.  I don’t know if you even need contraception at this point.  I think the narwhal in your kimono should keep you celibate.

A FOX news channel in Atlanta did an online article featuring the “top 50” internet and text message acronyms every parent should know.  As you can imagine, this is very stupid.  Just an extremely, hilariously obvious attempt to scare parents into watching their news program.  Here were some notable “acronyms”:  No.1 is “8”, which apparently means oral sex.  No.6 was “1174” which means nude club.  What kid has ever texted another kid about going to a “nude club?”  No.32 is “MOOS,” which means Member Of the Opposite Sex.  Which is way more suspicious than a text saying “boy” or “girl,” but whatever.  No.37 is “NIFOC”- Nude In Front Of Computer.  Why would anybody ever abbreviate that.  It’s not like your parents are going to walk into the room and just look through your IMs.  You’re sitting in front of your computer naked, maybe your parents will notice that.  No.17 “FOL”- Fond Of Leather.  Seriously?  Why is this the 17th most important thing every parent should know?  And finally, my personal favorite, No.16 “FMLTWIA,”-  F*** Me Like The Whore That I Am.  ….  Yeah.  Maybe I wasn’t a very cool middle schooler, but I don’t think I ever got the FMLTWIA text message.  If your daughter just sent a FMLTWIA text message, I feel like you missed a lot of the other signs leading up to it.  I don’t think the FMLTWIA text is a beginner’s acronym.