Along with the Kodiak bear, the polar bear is the largest land predator.  As we’ve seen in documentaries and at Hollywood award shows, polar bears are not handling global warming so well.  Polar bears typically have up to 4 inches of blubber for insulation, so they start to overheat when temperatures rise above 50F (10C).  Their insulation is so intense that they are basically invisible under infrared photography.

This fact has taught me two things.

1. Global warming isn’t killing polar bears.  Polar bear obesity is killing polar bears.  If they lost some weight they wouldn’t be so hot all the time.

2. Polar bears join my growing list of animals that would make perfect criminals.

The bikini was invented in 1946.  I don’t really understand how it was “invented” in 1946.  Could no one honestly figure this one out on their own?  Anyway, the “inventor” named the swimsuit after Bikini Atoll, the site of nuclear weapon tests earlier the same year.  I was at the beach this weekend.  As great as bikinis can be, there really is a fine line between a swimsuit and a weapon of mass destruction.

It has been brought to my attention that there’s a new fad diet: the baby food diet.  But this diet isn’t meant for babies.  It’s meant for fat adults.  Or even adults that just want to lose a few pounds.  The diet is pretty self-explanatory.  You stock up on some jars of Gerber, and eat one when you get hungry.  They are low calorie, and have lots of vitamins and other stuff.  But just wait one second. We can’t overlook the fact that this is the stupidest thing ever.  Just eat an apple.  Or a banana.  Or a piece of bread.  Or anything, just eat less of it.  Don’t look like a creep and walk around eating baby food.  Most people strive to lose weight to improve their images (the health benefit is just an added bonus).  In my mind, nothing hurts your image more than a grown man or woman slurping down some baby food.  It’s culinary pedophilia.  I don’t care if it’s convenient.  A baby’s diaper is convenient.  Why don’t we just all wear diapers around?  That may make you lose weight, because you’ll be scared of the consequences of eating.

Stupid Hollywood!