There were a bunch of really boring, scientific differences between monkeys and apes, but the easiest way to tell them apart is to just look at their butts.

Monkeys have tails, apes don’t have tails.

This one seems so played out in movies.  The nerdy scientist/animal-lover guy always reminds the no-nonsense military boss that they aren’t “monkeys,” they’re “apes.” 

For instance, an animal escapes from the zoo with top-secret government info:

FBI Chief:  So you’re tellin’ me the stupid monkey just walked off with the briefcase?!

Scientist/Zoo-Keeper:  Actually, it was an ape, sir.  And they are very smart…

FBI Chief: I don’t care what it was.  Find the damn thing!

They do it with dolphins too:

FBI Chief:  So you’re sayin’ the stupid fish just swam off with the briefcase?!

Scientist/Zoo-Keeper: Actually, it was a dolphin, sir.  They are mammals and very smart…

FBI Chief: I don’t care what it was.  Find the damn thing!

Every one knows dolphins aren’t fish!  In real life, that’s about as stupid as someone saying this:

FBI Chief: So, you’re sayin’ a little toddler started the car and drove off with the briefcase!?

Scientist: Actually, it was a midget, sir.  They are very smart…

FBI Chief: I don’t care who it was.  Find the damn thing!

In 1937, the Chelsea Baby Club in London introduced wire cages to hang out windows and provide babies with fresh air.

I will never join the Chelsea Baby Club.

I’ve been reading a lot about sexual ethics, so forgive me if my past two posts have been in the same vein.  In early theories of how babies are made, semen was believed to carry a homunculus (Latin for “little human”).  This theory of preformationism was prevalent before we understood that both a man and woman are equally important in active procreation.  So, yeah, some philosophers and scientists actually believed semen contained a miniature, fully-formed human.  Once the homunculus was inside the woman, development was solely concerned with enlarging this miniature person.  How stupid is that!  Sounds so ridiculous.

But…if we would go back in time and tell them that semen really contained millions of tiny tadpole thingies… I think that would freak them out more.

“Tiny tadpole thingies” is the terminology they use in advanced college biology courses.  Trust me.

Brown adipose tissue (aka brown fat) is one of two types of mammalian fat (the other is white fat).  The primary function of brown fat is to generate body heat-  it’s especially important in hibernating animals and newborns that don’t shiver.  (I’m sure it’s even more helpful for hibernating newborn babies…)  Compared to white fat, brown fat has a higher density of mitochondria, which contain iron and make it brown.  Brown fat takes calories from white fat and burns it to generate heat, which could be a new weight loss strategy.  Babies have more brown fat than adults, however.  So, I suppose it would be a great weight loss strategy for fat babies.  Just put them in cold water and they will look great in no time.

NOTE: DO NOT LEAVE YOUR BABY IN COLD WATER

Or you could put the babies on the “baby food diet” as was previously discussed

http://smartestyear.com/post/794887298/baby-food-diet-7-10-10

It has been brought to my attention that there’s a new fad diet: the baby food diet.  But this diet isn’t meant for babies.  It’s meant for fat adults.  Or even adults that just want to lose a few pounds.  The diet is pretty self-explanatory.  You stock up on some jars of Gerber, and eat one when you get hungry.  They are low calorie, and have lots of vitamins and other stuff.  But just wait one second. We can’t overlook the fact that this is the stupidest thing ever.  Just eat an apple.  Or a banana.  Or a piece of bread.  Or anything, just eat less of it.  Don’t look like a creep and walk around eating baby food.  Most people strive to lose weight to improve their images (the health benefit is just an added bonus).  In my mind, nothing hurts your image more than a grown man or woman slurping down some baby food.  It’s culinary pedophilia.  I don’t care if it’s convenient.  A baby’s diaper is convenient.  Why don’t we just all wear diapers around?  That may make you lose weight, because you’ll be scared of the consequences of eating.

Stupid Hollywood!

This is true. There is an organization called VHEMT (the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement) that wants, well, the voluntary extinction of humans.  VHEMT’s motto is “May we live long and die out.”  To paraphrase their objective, their website states that they will have succeeded when every human chooses to stop breeding, and Earth’s biosphere returns to its former glory.  Basically, it’s a radical environmental group composed of people who think humans are ruining the world, thus should stop having babies.  On their website, they admit that their goals are pretty lofty, but feel that it can be realistic down the road.  This is the biggest waste of time ever.  Dude, it didn’t work when you tried to cancel prom after not getting a date. Or when you tried to ban college after not getting accepted.  Or when you tried to prohibit people from owning dogs after you found out you were allergic.  Or when you tried to ban exercising once you got fat.  Or when you tried to outlaw lottery tickets when you didn’t win.  Or when you tried to outlaw sex because you couldn’t get laid.  Oh wait…